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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



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"LAFAYETTE," 



OR 



"The Maid and The Marquis," 

AN ORIGINAL BURLESQUE 

IN THREE ACTS. 

BY 

GEORGE AUSTIN MORRISON, Jr., 

It J 

Author of "Captain Kidd," "William Penn, &c.,&c. 




NEW YORK, 
1890. 






Copyright 1890, 

BY 

GEORGE AUSTIN MORRISON, Jr. 



Press of A. E. Chasmar & Co. 
833 Broadway, N. Y. 



TO 



THE PATRONESSES 

OF THE 

COLUMBIA COLLEGE DRAMATIC CLUB. 



CHARACTERS 



THE MARQUIS DE LAFAYETTE. A Democratic-Republican 
Aristocrat. 

ROQUEFORT DE BRIE. A wicked Abbe of the "Ancien 
Regime. "' 

DON JOSE ALFONSO INTIMIDAD LA ROSAS. A Cuban 
Nobleman engaged in the Havana Cigar trade. 

CAPTAIN PAUL JONES, U. S. Smuggler and Privateersman. 

DODO. The regulation village Inn-keeper. 

SUZANNE. Sole surviving twin daughter of Dodo. 

YSABEL. Sister of Don Jose. Owing her professional beauty 
to Castile, not to Pear's Soap. 

THE DUCHESS OF MONMOUTH PARK. . One of the 
Coming Race. 

Chorus. 

Brittany Peasants, Gen D'Armes, Bonnes with Infants in Arms, 
Jockeys, Mormonesses, Bathers, Continentals, Uncle 
Sams, Columbias, Etc. 
and 
A Complete Corps de Ballet. 



SYNOPSIS OF SCENERY. 



ACT I. 



A Fishing Village on the Coast of Brittany, 
The Proxy-Marriage. 

ACT II. 

The West End Hotel, Long Branch, 
The Mormon Divorce. 

ACT III. 

The Ball Room in the Capitol, Washington, 
The Matrimonial Exchange. 

Time — A. D. 1776. Place — France and United States. 



ACT I. 

1 'A Fishing Village on the Coast of Brittany, France. " 

(The village inn, and its sign " The Jug" on the left. Also 
tables and chairs, with glasses, etc. On the right a massive stone 
building with barred windows and heavy door. The word " Gen- 
darmerie" on a sign over the door. At back, the stones of a pier 
and a landing stage. Back drop represents the sea and a distant 
view of the coast. Wood wings and borders. Brittany Peasants 
discovered drinking and carousing. ) 

Opening Chorus, 

Peasants. 

In jollity deep let the cannikin clink, 
High revel we keep as we carelessly drink. 
What crimson so bright as the blood of the vine ! 
All topers delight in a bumper of wine. 

Death, the silent reaper, mows our life away. 
Time, the never sleeper, tinges all with gray. 
For life is a prize, tho' a grave be the goal. 
Forgetfulness lies in the depth of the bowl. 

Then fill every glass to the brim with the cheer, 
Pledge every fair lass be she absent or here. 
And merrily drink to the usual toast, 
Long life to you all and good luck to the host. 



Fill up ! fill up ! 

With a bumper of the crimson wine ! 

We give you a toast, 

Good luck to the host. 



Dodo 



Chorus 

Dodo 
Chorus 

Dodo 



Chorus 
Dodo 



{Entering from inn, with sadness) 

Welcome, kind friends, my sorrow don't prolong, 

Your cheerful chant makes a good mourning song, 

Tis three weeks since my daughter Suzette died. 

(weeping audibly) 

A lass we weep ! 

This tear I cannot hide. 
(wearily) 
Oh ! drop it ! (Dodo drops tear on stage with a bang. ) 

There ! Death took her much amiss. 
She's gone aloft ! A nice mis(s)take was this. 
For just one month ago into this town 
There came a Cuban from Havana down. 
High was his caste and so he cast his (h)eye 
Upon Suzette ! In short, with many a sigh 
He made a tender to that tender maid 
Of heart and hand. To me good boodle paid 
To buy the "fixins" for this wedding day, 
And then to fetch his sister went away 
Suzette is dead ! The money spent 
(sighing. ) Alack ! 

(In despair/ Gazes off R) 
He'll want the girl or else the boodlets back ! 
For he returns to-day. But Suzanne, look ! 
Suzette's twin sister comes with the French cook. 
(Music. Suzanne and Lafayette enters R dancing. 
Lafayette dressed as French cook, with huge wooden 
spoon and saucepan.) 



10 



Song and Chorus. 
Lafayette. 

I. 
Lafayette. 
Let me state in terms emphatic, 
I was born aristocratic, 
I'm a marquis. 

Chorus 

He's a marquis ! 
Lafayette. 
I, when a lad a fancy took 
To reading- Grandma's Cookery Book, 
Becoming quite a man of taste 
No time to waste, I made all haste 
A fancy cook to be. 

Chorus 

A fancy cook to be ! 
Lafayette. 
At my resolve Papa he swore, 
Mama all her banglets tore ; 
Me on her knee she used to spank, 
Because I played her such a prank. 

Chorus 
Yet he preferred to boil and bake 
Than idle live for fashion sake ! 
The best of cooks became, and yet 
He's the Marquis Lafayette. 
II. 
Lafayette. 
To the boarding house I cater, 
Serve the dinner as a waiter, 
All a la carte. 

Chorus 

All a la carte. 



ii 



Lafayette. 
Unless the patrons pay in cash, 
I always settle up their hash ; 
They often need an antidote 
After Sunday table d'hote. 
I am a man of art. 

Chorus 

He is a man of art ! 

Lafayette. 
I make blanc-mange of liquid glue, 
Fancy cake of ormulu, 
The Roman punch of vaseline, 
Spinach out of paris green. 
Chorus 
Yet he preferred, etc., etc. 



Suzanne 


(courtesying) 




Good-day, Papa ! 


Lafayette 


{airily) How do you, Dodo, do ! 


Dodo 






Bon! Bon! 


Suzanne 


Ah, no ! (Arneau.) 


Lafayette 


Well I'll be candid too 



And tell you all, tho' I am no confessor ! 
I love Suzanne ! Will you, with my hand, bless her? 
Dodo (in great rage. ) 

What ? Never ! . 
Suzanne (in fear) Je suis blesse! 
Lafayette (angrily) How contrary ! 

I boil with rage ! 
Dodo You're very culinary (cool an' airy.) 

Suzanne (with passion) 

O let me wed the cook ! 
Lafayette (proudly) Artistic choice ! 



12 



Dodo 

Lafayette 
Dodo 



Suzanne 

Lafayette 
Dodo 

Lafayette 
Suzanne 

Dodo. 

Lafayette 
Suzanne 



Lafayette 
Dodo. 

Lafayette 
Dodo 



{severely) 

Hush ! Not a word ! In this you have no voice. 

(a la Bowery Hero) 

Suzanna, must we part? {They pose up stage.) 

{aside, gazing at Suzanne) Ha ! She's the same 

In voice, look, figure, everything save name. 

To countenance my scheme she has the face 

To take her angel sisters mortal place, 

That Cuban duffer wont the difference know. 

{taking stage melodramatically, aloud.) 

At twelve, miss, you shall marry — Alfonso ! 

{a la operatic heroine.) 

hor-r-r-or ! 

{imploringly.) Change this sacrifice immense ! 
{sternly. ) 

1 alter not ! 

Don't you a Frank incense ! 
{to Dodo) 
Mercy ! 

I'm pere, not mere see ! (mercy) 
{staggers, about to hit Dodo with spoon. ) Go away ! 
{to Lafayette. ) 

French maids in matrimony must obey 
Their parents' will ! 

'Tho no apparent use ! 
{to Lafayette. ) 
Tis well done, gander 

{hotly.) I'll yet cook your goose 

{with contempt) 

Hence (hens) chicken hearted man ! Suzanne, away ! 
You wed Don Jose before twelve to-day ! 
{Music, Peasants R, Dodo and Suzanne exeunt L into 
inn I Suzanne blowing kisses to Lafayette, who sinks in 
chair near table, overwhelmed with despair.) 



13 



Lafayette {despondently) 

Fare well fond hopes for aye! I fare well never ! 

This innkeeper severe true love will sever! 

Because I pies make why should he despise 

A Marquis, who as cook may wear dis-guise. 

Earning my bread, tho bred aristocratic, 

In my damp attic room I grow rheumatic ! 

Painful 'twill be to make her wedding cake ! 

This coat of table cloth, my heart will break. 

(Music, Abbe enters R gaily. Lafayette does not see 

him, as he is sunk in despair. ) 
Abbe {seeing Lafayette.') 

What ! Lafayette a crying ? Tell me pray 

What preys upon your mind ? 
Lafayette {rising) Tis the Abbe 

Roquefort de Brie ! 
Abbe You see I'm quite the cheese. 

So folk confess to me upon their knees. 

At cheap sensational sermons I'm a master. 

The ladies flock to see their tony pastor ! 
Lafayette {despondently) 

Alas ! 
Abbe Take comfort! 

Lafayette I'm not comfort-ab\e ! 

Life is not worth a rap ! (hits table) 
Abbe Respect the table 

Become respectable ! No longer roister ! 

Like me cry "peccavi " in a damp cloister. 
Lafayette (in severe tone) 

You swore a swear ! 
Abbe I said my cell's not dry ! 

Lafayette 

Cry ' ' mea Culpa ! " 
Abbe No mere culprit I ! 



14 



Lafayette 
Abbe 



Lafayette 
Abbe 



Can't cater to a broken heart ! 

I'll cure 
All cooks ! As cure I'm an epicure! 



Wherefore your presence? 

Don't you know ? The bride 
To join — 
Lafayette {tragically) That wedding knot must not be tied ! 

Duet and Dance. 

Lafayette and Abbe. 

I. 

Lafayette 

Suzanna is my sweet heart dear, 

For she likes ice cream and ginger beer 

Abbe 
Her Papa's gun has a load, for bear ! 
Tho' the bull-dog has false teeth, beware, 
For he gets there just the same. 

Chorus 
Ding Dong ! Fiddle diddle dee ! 
For the world we fear is very very queer, 
And the people are peculiar, 
In the Eighteenth Centurie ! 
II. 
Abbe 
O cease that silly kind of talk 
You. make me tired ! Go take a walk 

Lafayette 
Why can't I of my best girl chat 
And love in a cottage, you cheap French flat I 
So just pull down your vest ! 

Chorus 
Ding Dong, etc., etc. 



15 



III. 

Lafayette 
If you my love for Suzanne blight 
I'll blow you up with dynamite. 

Abbe 
O such a blower I don't mind 
My coat is with sheet iron lined 
So Johnnie get your gun ! 

Chorus 

Ding Dong, etc., etc. 

IV. 

Abbe 

To cure you if you fall lovesick 

Go drink a bottle of arsenic. 

Lafayette 
Just say your prayers and sing a hymn. 
You'll make an elegant cherubim ! 
Does your mother know you're out ? 

Chorus 
Ding Dong, etc., etc. 

Dodo {enters L at end of song. To Abbe) 

You're here at last, Abbe ! (To Laf. ) What you still 
there ? 

Out to kitchen and the feast prepare. 
(Lafayette exits L sorrowfully. ) 

Father, your blessing ! 
Abbe (Blessing him) That's all right ! Two dollars ! 

Such little deals keep me in paper collars ! 

Where is the couple I'm to pair? 
Dodo (confidentially) Just hark 

My plan will you delight! 
Abbe Then keep it dark! 



16 



Dodo 

As Don Jose's fiancee Suzette's dead, 
Just wed him to her twin, Suzanne, instead ! 
Abbe {pondering) 

But that is fraud ! 

Dodo {producing bag of gold. ) pshaw ! By many a chink 
One can escape the law ! 

Abbe {taking bag of gold.) You tipped my wink ! 
I'll do the biz ! 

Dodo The consequences ? 

Abbe {gqyly) Risk em ! 

The compact's made, and so, come, pax vobiscum ! 
{Noise of babies crying heard off R.) 
But hark ! I see a noise ! 

Dodo Squalls on the sea ! 

Abbe 

Confound it ! Here's the nurses after me ! 
{Bonnes enters R, dressed in ribboned caps with stream- 
ers, etc. Each has a baby in her arms. Peasants 
follow on L. ) 

Chorus. 

Nurses. 

I. 

You never will see, such maids as we 

If you travel both near and far. 

With every M. D., of a high degree, 

We are thoroughly popular. 

Professionally, in the nursery, 

We can take the place of Ma. 

So baby pretty ! 

O list to our ditty ! 

What a beautiful baby you are ! 



17 



Rock a bye baby on a tree top 
When the wind blows, thy cradle will rock. 
When the bough breaks thy cradle will fall. 
Down tumbles baby, the cradle and all. 

Just look with a glass, at each fair lass 

For Donovan made their clothes ! 

Their hands are neat, too awfully sweet ; 

Would you like to see their toes ? 

Their eyes are blue of an emerald hue. 

Their mouths like buds of a rose ! 

Oh baby jolly 

O dance baby dolly 

Will you look at her duck of a nose ! 

Dodo {highly pleased) 

That music should delight all fathers' ears 

" Herr Wagner" at such sounds would burst in tears. 



Abbe 



Dodo 



Abbe 



Those bonnets suit the pretty bonnes complexion ! 
Attention, maids ! The daily babe inspection ! 
{Bonnes march io front of stage) 
Baby Drill. 
Attention ! Carry babies ! Shoulder babies ! Present 
babies ! Recover babies ! Rest babies ! Charge 
babies (i. e., with milk bottles) Spank babies ! 
Recover babies ! 
{During Drill Lafayette and Suzanne have entered L) 

They rival the "Seventh Regiment" in knowledge 
They must have learned that drill at "Vassar 
College ! " 

Our town in babies seems to have a boom ! 
Their clothes from R. H. Macy, I presume ! 



18 



Dodo {pointing to end nurse and baby. ) 
That cherub's name ? 

" Baby McKee," you know ! 
Engaged expressly for " Columbia's show ! " 
Dodo (to peasants) 

Good folks, you'll join our wedding breakfast party ! 
I trust your appetites are good and hearty ! 
Lafayette (his arm about Suzanne) 

Wretch, this deed, pause on ! 
Do do (casting Laff. off. ) Paws off ! 

Abbe (embracing Suzanne.) Sweet Suzanne 

A pastoral embrace ! 
Suzanne (struggling) You wicked man ! 

Lafayette (in despair) 

Heart, break — away ! 
Dodo (anxiously) The bride groom's not arrived! 
Lafayette (in delight) 

A rival great delayed ! 
Suzanne I feel revived ! 

Lafayette (with cool emphasis) 

Don't you the latest social law forget. 
Unless before noon folks can married get 
They must wait 'till next day ! 
Abbe (Starting) Ha ! Ha ! Tis true ! 

Dodo 

If Don Jose is late, what shall we do ? 
Abbe 

The time, watch ! 
Lafayette Quarter of twelve ! 

Abbe (to Dodo) We've dished, my boy ! 

And by a French cook ! 
Paul (outside) Hoy there ! Boat ahoy ! 



19 



Dodo 

Abbe 
Paul 



Abbe 

Suzanne 
Lafayetie 

Abbe 

Paul 

Dodo 

Paul 

Abbe 

Dodo 

Paul 



Dodo 
Paul 



(Music. The ocean steamer " White Wings'' sails in 
R at back. Paul Jones is on the quarter deck. He 
lands and comes forward, dancing.') 

Eccentric Hornpipe. 
{examining Paul) 
What do you call it ? 

Speak, and make no bones ! 
{proudly) 

I'm Captain Paul, the son of Davy Jones. 
An U. S. privateer sman, tho' I fear 
That I intrude upon the private here ! 

not at all ! (Paul attempts to hug Suzanne) 

Fresh old salt, at me don't squint ! 
(alluding to Paul's dress. ) 
I'll close your peepers, stick of peppermint ! 

What is your trade ? 

Smuggler ! On the seas 

1 seize upon so smug whatever I sees / 

You've come to join a wedding feast sublime : 
That is if Don Jose arrive on time ! 
(starting) 
What name ? 

Jose ? 

The same ! 

Tarnation, mister, 
I am engaged to that same Cuban's sister, 
The dark eyed Ysabel ! 
(with joy) A welcome guest! 

(glancing about and not seeing Don Jose. ) 
The festive man is late tis manifest I 



20 



All {in deep and hungry dejection) 

Alas! 
Dodo The cake and flowers won't keep o'er night. 

To spoil such good provender don't seem right ! 
Paul {sorrowfully. Gazes off.) 

It aint ! But see, to regulate the peasants 

The Gen D'Armes grace the wedding with their 

presence ! 

{Music. The Gen D'Armes enter R, marching stiffly, 

and singing in wooden fashion) 

Double Chorus. 
Peasants and Bonnes. 
I. 
The noble Johnnie D'Armes 
Protect us from all harms. 
Their military air, is very debonnaire, 
The heart they can invade 
Of many a nursery maid. 
When danger lurks around 
They never can be found, 
Except in the kitchen, 
They're bewitchin' of the cook 
And lunching, we'll be bound. 
Gen D'Armes. 
Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! 
At free lunch we'll be found ! 

II. 
Gen D'Armes. 

We midnight watches keep 

By falling dead — asleep. 

For we care no raps for burglar chaps ! 



31 



Abbe, 

All 
Abbe 



Dodo 



Abbe 
Lafayelie 



At the public house we know the tap ! 
Under arms ! 

We're a band of gallant Johnnie D'Armes ! 
Exceptional Johnnie D'Armes. 

III. 

All "union leagues" we drub 

With our " Manhattan club" 

In a panic dire, we holler "fire," 

" Eyetalians " always rouse our ire 

Under arms ! 

We're a band of gallant Johnnie D'Armes ! 

Exceptional Johnnie D'Armes. 

(The Gen D'Armes file back and take L side of stage, 

the Bonnes R. Peasants at back.) 

(After chorus all look at clock and watches, shaking 

their heads at the non-arrival of the bridegroom Don 

fosef Dodo appears overwhelmed.) 

(suddenly) 

Aha ! I've got it. 

(in horror) What ? The grip ? 

(to Paul) A plan ! 

Of course you'll see fair play, seafaring man ! 

Let Captain Jones a proxy bridegroom be 

For Don Jose. The service thus can we, 

Before yon tick-tick booms the hour, despatch. 

Catch on ! 

O, I could sing a gleeful catch. 
In such a box I never struck your match. 
'Twas a tight scrape ! 

No, quite a loose affair, (lucifer) 
(overwhelmed) 
They stick at naught yet goad me to despair. 



22 



Dodo What ails the chief? 
Lafayette Beware ! 

Abbe Tis but a bluff ! 

I'm hale and hearty yet. 
Lafayette O he is a tough ! 

Suzanne 

I'd like to faint but can't ! 
^4 63* {taking Dodo down stage) A word aside ! 

Thus wed Don Jose will not see his bride ! 
Dodo {delighted) 

Just so ! 
Abbe {to Paul) Will you be proxy? 
Paul Guess so, mister 

That bride is just too sweet, I can't resist her ! 
Lafayette {in mellow dramatic tones) 

Good bye, sweet heart, good bye ! {sweet tart, good pie) 
Suzanne O don't desert 

Your tootsie-wootsie ! 
Abbe {to gallery) On them lime light squirt 

Thank you ! 
Dodo Away to church ! While chorus sings 
Epithalamiums and such little things. 
{Music. Peasant and Gen D 'Armes L, Bonnes R exeunt ! 
Dodo, Paul, Abbe and Suzanne exeunt L. Lafayette, 
torn from the arms of Suzanne laughs wildly and 
throws himself in despair on the table. ) 
Lafayette {after long pause) 

Am I the centre of all eyes ? I am ! 
With hate most passionate let me say "damn." 
{A Post Horn is heard off R.) 
A post horn! 'Tis some folk of high degree ! 
Who can these {h)ornamental gentry be ! 
{Music. Don Jose and Ysabel enter R, dressed in fan- 
tastic Spanish dress.) 



23 



Duet and Dance. 

Don Jose and Ysabel. 

I. 

Ysabel. 

We are from Havana afar ! 

Don Jose. 
I sell " Park & Tilford " cigar ! 

Ysabel. 
I'm a beauty that is the truth. 

Don Jose. 
For she uses "Bloom of Youth." 

Ysabel. 
And my frock cut bias "Kate Reilly" made 
I trust 'tis modest enough. 

Don Jose. 
Agent I for "Durham Tobacco 
I supply "Tuxedo" with snuff! 

Chorus. 
Noble Castillians are we 
Cubans of lolty degree 
Graceful bolero we dance 
In silver moonlight entrance 
Sing tra la la, to the mellow guitar 
Very noble Castillians are we. 
//. 
Ysabel. 
Of the "debutantes" I am one. 

Don Jose, 
For her picture has been in the "Sun." 

Ysabel. 
Every week Town Topics I buy. 

Don Jose. 
She will rival Miss Nellie Bly. 



24 



Don Jose 
Lafayette 

Ysabel 
Don Jose 

Ysabel 

Lafayette 
Ysabel 

Lafayette 
Don Jose 
Lafayette 

Don Jose 

Lafayette 

Don Jose 

Lafayette 



Ysabel. 
At the "Sherry dances " I am a belle, 
I'll wed an Earl if I can. 
Don Jose. 
And I run the "Havana Lottery" 
On a Bismarck policy plan. 

Chorus. 
Noble Castillians, &c, &c. 

{stamping his footlets) 

Garcon ! {Lafayette, a la Delmonico waiter. ) 

Yes-sir ! Directly ! Whatwillyou/^e/ 3 

We've got ram, lamb, sheep-meat, and mutton steak ! 

O what a take-in chap ! 

{with dignity) Soy Espagnol, Sarrs ! 

I'm Don Jose Intimidad La Rosas ! 

As "Caballero" in cigars I deal. 

My iron constitution's of Castile (cast steel). 

{pointing to herself) 

This, Ysabel/ 

This is a belle, indeed ! 
{Lafayette chucks Ysabel under chin. She resents it) 
Hombre ! 

Embracez moi ! 
{offers cigar) Here ! Have a weed ! 

{takes it, lights it and cigar blows up) 
Gratcia ! Gracious ! 

Za\, my sister acts 
As model for pictures on cigarette packs ! 

O she's a model girl ! 
{offering box to Laf) 
Havana cigarettes ? 

I won't have any ! 



Yes ! One of many 



25 



Don Jose {pointing to Inn) 

Dodo, he own that flat ? 
Lafayette He do ! 

Don Jose Zen say 

Zat I come claim my pretty flnancee. 
Lafayette {Don Jose is about to enter Inn) 

Tis Suzanne's husband/ Stop ! 
Ysabel {to Don) Husband your wrath ! 

Don Jose {excitedly) 

I will not brook dish wiper in my path 

Where is ze bride, Suzette ? 
Lafayette {puzzled) You mean Suzanne ! 

Don Jose {in high rage) 

Carramba ! I remarked Suzette, my man ! 
Lafayette {beginning to see thro' A bbe and Dodo's plot) 

I see their wicked scheme ! Suzette is dead, 

Dodo would have you wed Suzanne instead, 

Her twin sister ! 
Don Jose {in surprise) Zis fraud is pretty steep, 

I really am too much surprised to weep ! 
Lafayette {imploringly, catching Don Jose's coat tails) 

be my ally in this false alliance 

1 love Suzanne ! 

Don Jose I nevare her affiance ! 

{The Wedding March is heard off! Peasant and Gen 
D'Armes enter L, Bonnes R. Dodo, Paul, Suzanne 
and Abbe enter L, returning from church! Stage 
order, Gen D'Armes L, Bonnes R, and Peasants at 
back. ) 

Dodo {recognizing Don Jose. ) 

Tis he ! {Paul recognizes Isabel ) 

Paul {in joy) 'Tis she ! 



26 



Abbe (to Don Jose) 'Tis they ! You're rather late! 

The ceremony's over ! M, 

Suzanne Cruel fate ! 

XJn-ceremony-us ! (Lafayette runs and kisses her) 
Dodo (pulling La/, away. ) Here stand aside ! 
Where is your license ? 
Layayette (in grieved tones) Can't I kiss the bride ? 
Ysabel (to Paul) 

Paul, come to my arms ! 
Paul (starts to run to Ysabel) I will ! I like this calling ! 
Abbe (stopping him) 

Embrace the proxy bridegroom ! 'Tis appalling ! 
Don Jose (with repressed caution) 

Why was I wed by proxy ? 
Abbe 'Cause by law 

All weddings must before high noon be o'er, 
You were not here at twelve ! 
Don Jose (points to Suzanne) Zis pass belief 

Zen zis is my Senora ? 
Suzanne To my grief ! 

Dodo (about to hand over Suzanne to Don Jose) 
I hand you o'er you wife ! 
Don Jose Zat is your game ! 

Suzette is dead ! Zis false bride I disclaim. 
(Chord/ All are immensely astonished) 
All (in a shout) 

Oh!! 
Dodo All is discovered ! 

Lafayette (joyously) Since he will not be 

Her husband, then Suzanne can marry me ! 
Don Jose (savagely) 

Return to me ze ' ' dot ! " 
Dodo (about to flee) I'm in a plight ! 



27 



Abbe {cynically) 

Permit me to remark in words polite, 
If Don Jose repudiates the bride, 
Nevertheless to Captain Jones she's tied. 
What heed if neither will the honor claim, 
She's wed to one or 't'other just the same ! 
All {in surprise) 

Oh ! {Suzanne shrieks in despair) 

Suzanne This is one too much ! 
Lafayette {hotly) With me no doubt 

Your better half had better have it out ! 
Paul {to Abbe) 

I love but Ysabel. 
Ysabel {tearfully) O dire event ! 

Don Jose (in a towering rage) 

Zis is a big De-fraud ! I'll ne'er consent ! 
Abbe {threatens Don Jose with hugh knife) 
You must or else — ! 
Lafafette {in despair) Never ! My words set eyes on ! 
I've rilled the wedding cake chock full of poison. 
{Lafayette shakes box of wedding cake in Abbe's face I 
Abbe tears it away from him) 
Abbe {to Gen D'Armes! They seize upon Lafayette) 
Gen D'Armes, arrest that man ! 
Lafayetee {in bravado) Give us a rest! 

I am a Marquis ! 
Abbe {coldly) Your remark is jest ! 

Down to the deepest dungeon with that feller ! 
That is, deposit him within the cellar ! 
Suzanne {to Dodo and Don Jose) 

Spare him ! Pa(r), Don ! 
Lafayette {heroically) What am I charged with ? Spake ! 



28 



Abbe (sternly) 

"Assault and Battery" with a wedding cake ! 

(Abbe takes box of wedding cake, and flings it in the 

sea. An explosion and a heavy bang follow.) 
Don Jose Tis fortunate that none are taken sick, 

Wedding cake, quotha ! "Philadelphia brick ! " 

You've eaten none of it ? 
All No ! not a mote ! 

Don Jose (with deep apprehension) 

Then haste away to get an antidote ! 

Song and Chorus. 

Abbe. 
I. 

Abbe. 
I am an Abbe of profession; 
Principal of a Sunday School; 
President of the "Faith Cure" session; 
Over the "Sons of Temperance " rule. 
On the organette musician, 
"Moody and Sankey " hymns I play. 
Quite at home in "Foreign Mission," 
Church I attend six times a day. 
Awfully popular with the ladies. 
Of slippers I have a large supply. 
And when I see a pretty maiden 
I whistle thus as I go by 

(Pauses and Whistles knowingly) 
This is my playful little way 
I'm a very nice Abbe. 

Chorus. 
Verily the sermon has a sequel, 
Let all men be gay. 

Never in the world you'll find his equal ; 
Such a nice Abbe. 



29 



II. 

Over the Sexton and the Choir 

Many a time I grow profane. 

If the collection need be higher 

I pass around the plate again. 

Raffles have I without number. 

Gaiety Dancing no man hurts. 

Tho' a parson's garb be sombre, 

'Tis economical for dress-shirts. 

My sermon often is fifty pages, 

" Drink" and "The Ballet" I can discuss ! 

And at the girls on top of stages 

I give a wink and whistle then 

{Pauses and whistling with a knowing look. ) 

This is my playful little way 

I'm a very nice Abbe. 

Chorus. 

Verily the sermon, etc. 
Abbe (emphatically) 

Hark to me, Jones and Jose ! In one hour 
Decide which owns Suzanne ! You're in my power 
For I can seal your fate and you conceal 
Behind steel bars in cell of the Bastile ! 
{Music! Peasants, Gen DArmes, Lafayette, Don 
Jose, Dodo, Paul, and Ysabel exeunt R. Bonnes, 
Dodo, and Suzanne L. Lafayette is carried off 
guarded by the Gen D'Armes. Suzanne dejectedly goes 
into the Inn! The Abbe is left alone on the stage in a 
triumphant attitude. ) 
Abbe {in a loud whisper) 

Behind my back those nobs I can foresee 
Against my will form a conspiracy. 
No use to me "Fullers Detective Staff." 
My Times informer's Edison's Phonograph ! 

30 



(Goes to wings and brings out a square box, which he 
sets on one side of stage. On it are the words ' ' Jer- 
sey Lightning, " ' ' Menlo Park. ") 
With this machine I learn machinations 
Family skeletons and intimate relations. 
(Music. Suzanne enters Z, weeping) 
But soft, Suzanne ! You're looking well,-er-but 
How's Papa? 
Suzanne (turns away) Wretch avaunt ! 
Abbe I'd better cut, 

After that snub ! Beware ! Thus villains say, 
"Miss Terrious" (mysterious) music please, in "Ir- 
ving's " play ! 

(Abbe exits L to blood curdli?ig music) 
Suzanne (overcome with emotion) 

Wretched my lot ! A wife without a claim ! 

Is Jones or La Rosas my wedded name f 

If I'm a Jonah then I should be wail (whale) 

Who hither comes ! Tis he ! Escaped from jail ! 

(Music. Lafayette enters. He has a full Sing- Sing 

convict suit and number 4 11 44 on back ! He carries 

a broom and a bucket.) 



Lafayette 

Suzanne 
Lafayette 

Suzanne 

Lafayette 
Suzanne 
Lafayette 
Suzanne 



Not guilty, gents ! 

Did Governor grant reprieve ? 

I'm (h)ill, so out on bail and ticket of leave ! 
(cesthetically) 
My own ! 

My love ! 

Embrace me ! (they embrace) 
(over her shoulder) A Yale lock ! 

(to the audience) 
Give us a show ! Just run around the block ! 



3i 



Lafayette {showing off his suit) 

How do you like my "Roger Peet" 
Suzanne Tip top ! 

Lafayette 

I'm put up at "Police Club " by a Cop 
Suzanne 

As nobleman you're quite well known at court 
Lafayette {imitating judge) 

Ahem ! Five dollars fine ! Next ! That's the sort 
Suzanne 

That Abbe hates us ! 
Lafayette He is dangerous ! 

Why this disgusting dominie discuss ! 

Deut and Dance. 
Lafayette and Suzanne. 

I. 

Suzanne. 
On me every idle frivolity palls 
I never am seen at the Patriarch Balls 
At Columbia Annex I took a degree, 
In the Sorosis they dote upon me ! 

Lafayette, 
I'm serio-comical species of chap, 
For family pedigree care not a rap. 
My genealogical tree you must know 
I sold to a lady from Chi-chicago ! 

Chorus. 
In opera box we philosophy talk. 
Dress up like a guy when we go for a walk. 
Every wine we decline at a dinner with thanks. 
We are a couple of social cranks ! 



3 2 



II. 

Suzanne. 
If mental pabulum ever you need, 
The Century Magazine then you must read. 
If faith, hope and fortune you wish to amass 
Just marry a girl from a Biblical Class ! 

Lafayette. 
If you're troubled with most indigestible ills, 
Allow me to recommend " Holloway Pills." 
In affairs of the heart I've a remedy keen, 
Invest in a gallon of " Anti-Pyrine." 

Chorus. 
We roll up our eyes in the Wagner craze, 
Think nothing is finer than Ibsen plays. 
All fashionable folk we consider as blanks. 
We are a couple of social cranks. 

Dance. 

Lafayette (posing sentimentally) 

Prattle of love ! 
Suzanne {shyly) I can't without the moon ! 

Still my love I'll at afternoon tea, spoon ! 

(Suzanne poses like a studio picture) 
Lafayette {in admiration) 

Gaze on her Julia Marlowe studio pose : 

That eyes retrousee and those hazel nose ! 

Her tooths of seed pearl ! 
Suzanne Yes, I've lots of cheek ! 

For rouge is cheap ! 
Lafayette Your beauty is antique. 

Suzanne {modestly) 

Flatterer, I've sat for "St. Gaudens" grand. 

He's just made a fine bust of my left hand. 



33 



Lafayette {putting hands in trousers pockets) 

Admire my pantaloons ! They're "Louis Seize" ! 
The style " Duveen " and " Sypher " e'er displays ! 
Suzanne (gazing off) 

The Don and Paul approach ! 

Lafayette With Ysabel ! 

Now for a plot against that churchman swell ! 
(Music. Don, Ysabel and Paul dance in R. Then 
pause, take out pocket-handkerchiefs and weep vigor- 
ously. ) 
Paul (snuffling) 

O dear ! 
Ysable (in tears) O dear ! 

Don Jose Carramba ! Dears are cheap! 

To love real Spanish rials, zat makes me weep ! 



Paul 

Ysabel 

Lafayette 
Don Jose 



All 

Paul 
Don Jose 

All 
Don Jose 

All 



Against a cruel lot, I'm mutineer ! 

We suffer mutely ! 

(approaching) From your speech, that's clear ! 

(with excitement) 

Zen why not brak zis wretched wedding plight? 

Zo in P. Jones' ferry-boat take flight. 

By zat way I am free, and Paul he get 

Ysabel, and Suzanne, her Lafayette ! 

(mysteriously) 

Hush ! 

Not- a word ! 

Zen you content? 

We are ! 

Zen at zis cn'sis, better laugh! 

(in a shout) Ha ! Ha ! 



34 



Paul 

It is a reasonable scheme to float ! 
We all must cut away on board my boat ! 
Do ye agree ? 
All We does ! 

Don Jose (with resignation) Zen I prepare ! 

Buy "Eno Fruit Salt" and a steamer chair ! 
Paul 

Don Jose 



Enough, we must not longer linger here ! 



In forty minutes appear upon the pier 

Disguised ! 
All Away ! 

Don Jose Vamoussa carefully ! 

Lafayette 

Don't worry ! Leave the whole concern to me ! 

Quintet and Dance. 

Lafayette, Don Jose, Paul, Suzanne and Ysabel. 

I. 

So leave the whole business to me 

Whatever the danger may be. 

Surely out of this scrape 

We are bound to escape 

If you leave the whole business to me ! 

Dance. 

{Lafayette, Paul, Donfose, Suzanne and Ysabel exeunt 
L. U. E. as Abbe and Dodo enter L. I. E. ) 
Abbe* (quietly) 

Now to consult my faithful phonograph, 
And on that Lafayette to get the laugh ! 



35 



(Abbe opens the box and discloses an Edison Phono- 
graph. He sets it in motion and the Phonograph re- 
peats the conspiracy plot and sings the last verse of 
the Quintet. ) 

Dodo (in admiration and horror) 

Hear that ! 
Abbe (madly) This still alarm betrays 'em all. 

Rouse up the town ! The corps of Gen D'Armes call. 

Dodo (stopping Abbe) 

One moment. Since yon boat is on the slip, 

And steam is up, I think I'd better skip. 
Abbe 

Where to ? 
Dodo To Canada ! 

Abbe Wherefore ? 

Dodo For fear, 

As I've no bank account and no cash here! 

I'll be imprisoned by that Don Jose ; 

He wants his money back ! 
Abbe (pensively) Eh ! That don't pay ! 

Slay ! There your daughter staid I 
Dodo I'll not forsake her ! 

But take her part and parcel ! 
Abbe Eh! Pa take her! 

Dodo 

Why don't you join us ! Travel for your health, 
I'll share with you the U. S. commonwealth. 

Don't care if I do ! But think it best, 
First all the innocent parties to arrest ! 

I'll rob the hotel till ! Now off to pack ! 
36 



Abbe 



Dodo 



Abbe 

Dodo 
Abbe 



Abbe 



Lafayette 

Abbe 
Paul 

Abbe 
Lafayette 
Don Jose 

Abbi 

Don Jose 
Suzanne 

Abbe 

Don Jose 



Just put the church plate into my grip sack, 

The silver candlestick etcetera ! 

(Noise of feet outside) Hark ! 

They come ! Those fairy footlets, pray remark. 

Away, and summon up an ambuscade, 

Array, the Johnnie D' Armes to make a raid! 

{Dodo hurries off! Dramatic music. All rush in ! Gen 

U Armes R, Bonnes L, Peasants R and at back. 

Abbe and Dodo take centre of stage! Then Lafayette, 

Paul, Don Jose, Suzanne and Ysabel cautiously enter L 

in single file, about to go on board steamer. They start 

at seeing Abbe and Dodo.) 

(to Gen D' Armes) 

Seize on those men ! 'Tis a convenient season ! 

(Lafayette, Don Jose and Paul march across stage to 

Gen D 'Armes and are arrested. ) 
(with swagger) 
Why this detention ? 

(quietly) For no rhyme or reason ! 

(fearfully) 
Who's our accuser ? 
(solemnly) No one ! 

(in great despair) Then we're lost ! 

(to Abbe) 

To bribe zese policemen, what will it cost? 

(curtly) 

Little enough ! 

I have not got zo much ! 
(clasping Abbes gown) 
Your generosity can we not touch ? 
(casting her aside) 
Hands off the wax works ! 
(in rage) Take my malediction ! 



37 



Abbe 

Fsabel 

Abbe 
Dodo 

Suzanne 
Dodo 
Abbe 



Don Jose 

Suzanne 

Lafayette 

Dodo 
Abbe 



Don Jose 
Abbe 



That phrase you find in Edgar Saltus fiction ! 

Spare us ! 

You're spare enough ! 
{Pulling away Suzanne) Oh, that's too thin ! 
Come off, Suzanne ! 
{in fear) Where to ? 

A steamboat-in. 
{a la presentation orator) 
Our estimable fellow townsman Dodo 
Is just about to quit his old abode-o 
And put for foreign climes ! 
{emphatically) Zen ze vendetta 

I make against zat thief ! Now I feel better ! 

At this departure my grief grows the deeper ! 

In yonder boat don't keep her in, inn-keeper ! 

Or I annihilate you ! 

{scornfully) Anarchist! 

I'll strike your name off my social-list! 

{plausibly) 

The fashionable congregation send 

Their ministers abroad their health to mend. 

As I'm an invalid, with no objection, 

I will proceed to take up a collection. 

{The Abbe passes round his hat to all) 

What's this? Two centimes and a button ! No! 

Thanks, generous friends ! Abroad I'll have to go. 

{tearfully) 

Come back ! O stop him ! 

{with great contempt) You tobacco stopper ! 



38 



Dodo 

Suzanne 

Lafayette 
Abbe 

Paul 

Abbe 

Ysabel 

Paul 

Abbe 
Lafayette 

Abbe 



(Suzanne runs to Laff. and hides her head on his 

shoulder) 

{dragging away Suzanne) 

My child you know you aint behaving proper ! 

A last embrace ! 

I can't restrain my tears ! 
(points out Laf and Don Jose to Gen D'Armes) 
Put them on bread and water for three years ! 
As for that barber pole ! (Points at Paul.) 
(indignantly) I'm not a shaver ! 

Give him six months' hard work as a street paver. 

(proudly) 

I claim for him the extradition law ! 

(with emphasis) 

I'm American ! (He attempts to sing ' 'Hail Columbia ") 

(stopping him) Then give him three months more ! 

Villain, I'll round the globe to track you out ! 

My curses ! ! (about to deliver a terrible curse) 

(putting fingers in ears) I hear well enough ! Don't 
Shout ! 

Perhaps I may repent ? It's in my eye 
We meet again next act ! Till then — good-bye ! 

Final Chorus. 
Off they go, westward ho ! 
Leaving us in desolation. 
Sing in glee, merrily, 
Truly 'tis a consolation. 
O what a day of deep regret ! 
We are sorrowfully weeping ! 
Pity the fate of Lafayette, 
In his dungeon cell. 



39 



Dry all tears ! Let each and all be gay- 
Cease from fears ! and timid doubt allay 
Give three cheers, to speed them on their way. 
To foreign climes they hie ! 
O'er the wave, they sail the ocean blue ! 
Sink or save, the lovers will be true ! 
Saint and knave, we bid you all adieu ! 
And sing a last good-bye ! 

(All wave handkerchiefs and cheer. Gen D'Armes 
R, Bonnes L, Peasants at back. Abbe goes on board 
steamer. Dodo follows drag giug Suzanne. Lafayette 
struggling with Gen UArmes. The Don and Paul 
appear overwhelmed with despair. Ysabel sobs audibly. 
Bell rings. Steamer slowly moves away as the curtain 
descends.) 

(end act first. ) 



ACT II. 



The West End Hotel, Long Branch. 



(On R, the entrance portico of the hotel, with pillars support- 
ing a half balcony, on which a practical window opens. On L 
wings representing shore and woods. Back drop is a view of the 
coast and distant sea. Over hotel door is sign "West End Hotel," 
"Dodo," "Proprietor." On L. C. is a bathing house, with prac- 
tical door, and sign ' 'Hot & Cold Sea Bathing, With Suits, 25 
cts., Without, $100 Fine." A "Monmouth Park" racing notice 
is hung on pillars of hotel porch. Moonlight! Music! The 
Abbe and Dodo enter, gayly dancing, L.) 



Abbe 
Dodo 

Abbe 

Dodo 
Abbe 
Dodo 



Happy New Year. 

As it's the "Fourth oifuly" 
Unseasonable folk might think thatyou lie. 

Yet truth to tell, twelve months ago to-day 

We took French leave of France and sailed away ! 

Finding this great "United States" immense, 
In "Utah" he took up his residence. 

At "Salt Lake City" my profession thrived 
So I turned "Mormon Elder." 

Just arrived 
At the "West End Hotel, Long Branch, N. J., 
As friend of the proprietor. 



41 



Abbe (confidentially) I say 

How is that latest guest ! 
Dodo O very well ! 

You mean the English sporting Duchess swell? 

She's got the parlor floor. 
Abbe I'd like to find 

Her window/ 
Dodo (suspiciously.) What's in the wind-oP 
Abbe You're not blind ! 

To gain a Mormon convert I project, 
. She's lots of rocks. 
Dodo They'll advertise the sect ! 

I wish you luck ! 'Tis growing late, you know, 

I'm off to sleep! {Dodo exits R yawning) 
Abbe Go! Allez fair e dodo ! 

Now that the sea coast's clear and none to see, 

I'll rouse that pensive Duchess with a glee. 

For Mrs. Abbe, Number Eleven, I mean her, 

So serenade her on my concertina. 

Herr Bogert, A please ! Not that note ! That's jay 

All right ! Trombone, pianoforte play ! 

(Abbe produces a concertina and a bird whistle.) 

Serenade. 
Abbe. 

I. 

Abbe. 

When the silvery stars in glee 
Twinkle, making night serener 
'Neath the "sable robe de niut," 
Listen to my concertina. 



42 



Abbe 



Duchess 
Abbe 

Duchess 
Abbe 

Duchess 

Abbe 
Duchess 



Abbe 
Duchess 



Symphony and Whistle. 
In the moonlight, Duchess dear, 
Ope' thy lattice to a charmer, 
Be not timid, but appear, 
Tho' arrayed in a pajama ! 

( Window opens R. I. E. and Dutchess appears) 

{cautiously glancing up at window) 

That ditty should my deep devotion tell her. 

But soft the casement ope's ! Where's my umbrella ? 

I never serenade without it ! 

(Hoists umbrella and stands under window. Duchess 

empties pitcher of water on him ! 

Lor! 
There is a heavy dew to-night. 
{in rapture) Encore ! 

List' to the nightingale ! (Abbe whistles) 
(aside) Now, here's a lark ! 

My love ! (aloud) 

That voice must come "Noah's Ark/' 
Are you a "German Opera" tenor? 
(wringing out water from his coat) Nay, 
I am a "moister singer" (Meister singer.) 

So I'd say ! 
That's why your solo soon became dew wet ; 
Be off ! I'll lose the doggie ! 

Don't forget 
Your "beau," my midnight " belle " ! 

You're a hoarse squaller ! 
Remember, I've a "pitcher" for "base bawler." 
Who are you ? 

"John Ward, Preacher ! " 

Then, in fine, 
"Talmadge " is captain of the " Ninety and Nine." 



43 



Abbe 
Duchess 

Abbe 
Duchess 

Abbe 

Duchess 

Abbe 

Duchess 

Abbe 
Duchess 

Abbe 
Duchess 

Abbe 
Duchess 



Abbe 



Your fellow boarder I ! Room 23 ! 

Burning with love ! 

{aside) He's come to spark, I see ! 

O hush ! The moon is looking ! 

(goes to moon and pulls a blind over it) Never mind ! 

She is too full to see ! Pull down the blind ! 

(aside) 

Isn't he awfully, beastly, jolly nice ! 

O marry me ! 

(scornfully) Marry ? Come up ! 
(piteously) She's ice ! 

Come off the roof ! 

I dare not in this frock. 
My neglege would " Mary Walker" shock ! 

You're in " plein toilette " ! 

(shivering) I don't put on frills ! 

Its coolish here ! 

The air of "Jersey chills." 
Take in that moon ! 
(takes in moon) I will ! 
(slaps mosquito on cheek) The evening flees ! 
Tis time to dress ! Farewell ! Stage sunrise, please ! 

(Duchess retires from window and stage grows light.) 

(gazing off R) 

Here come my wives ! It is high time to skip ! 
They're out to take an early morning dip ! 
Ten lovely Mormonesses ! Utah beautes ! 
Arrayed in low neck " Trouville " bathing suits ! 



(Mormoness Bathers enter, with Dodo R) 



Chorus. 
Mormoness Bathers. 
I. 
Bathers. 
In the ocean wave, we love to lave, 
Yet fear to wet our toes ! 
For the briny deep, it makes us weep, 
And spoils our bathing clothes. 
With timid doubt, and many a shout, 
We run along the sand. 
O we are sights, as water sprites, 
The Salt Lake City Band. 

Chorus. 
For thus we dip! (they dip) 
And thus we skip! (they skip) 
And shudder thus, as from us drip 
The ocean's pearly foam. 
With girlish scream! (they scream) 
We frightened seem! (they tremble) 
For at the "Branch" we reign supreme 
As on the beach we roam ! 

II. 
When the breakers roar, we topple o'er, 
To the chappies great delight ! 
Spring up and down, for fear we drown, 
And hold the rope so tight. 
We are too prim to learn to swim, 
But wade up to our knees. 
And then we cry, aloud "O my ! 
It is so cold we'll freeze ! " 

Chorus. 
For thus we dip, &c, &c. 



45 



Dodo 

Abbe 
Dodo 

Abbe 

Dodo 

Abbe 
Dodo 

Abbe 
Suzanne 



{pleased) 

Abbe, each wife is pretty as a peach, 

They're mermaids fresh from "Coney Island" beach. 

Who's their dress-maker ? 

"Mrs. Oldman Horner ! ; 
A pattern chap ! 



He hangs out round the corner ! 



Is he expensive ? 

Well, his taste is high ! 
A Mormon family gets half rates 
{examining bathing suits) My ! my ! 

He's rather skimpy in material. 
That only makes those angels look ethereal ! 
But what comes here ? {gazes off R.) 
{with pride) Suzanne ! High class society 

The proprietor 's daughter welcome with propriety ! 
{Music. Suzanne enters R. dressed as a summer 
hotel girl. ) 

See the cheap novel ! Candy ! That light curl ! 

{brazenly) 

I've turned a regular summer hotel girl 

Who flirts in corners dark with every dude, 

Talks slang and walks piazzas 



Dodo 


She's no prude ! 


Abbe 






So it appears ! 


Suzanne 


At Narragansett Pier 


Dodo 


I'm ^erless beauty ! 

Yes, you're pretty, dear ! 


Abbe 


{pensively) 




Suzanne ! How altered ! 


Suzanne 


{with contempt) Never mind the change ! 


Abbe 


I'll pay you up some day ! 

That would be strange I 



46 









Suzanne 

Abbe 

Suzanne 

Dodo 

Suzanne 

Abbe 
Suzanne 



Dodo 

Abbe 

Suzanne 
Abbe 

Suzanne 
Dodo 



Abbe 



You're a mean man ! 

Whatever can she mean? 
I've not an nolion! 

Yet an ocean green 
You put between myself and Lafayette 
{laughing') 

That chump can never out of prison get ! 
{threatening Abbe) 
Out villain ! Quail ! 

On toast ? 

Dread retribution ! 
Your turn will come at the "French Revolution." 

{Dodo, Suzanne and Abbe sing "Marseillaise" imitat- 
ing a street band.) 

{having a fit of shakes) 
Excuse me, while I tremble ! {falls flat) 
{picking Dodo up) Brace up, Sire ! 

That cook can't find us ! 

I'll drop him a w T ire ! 
{triumphantly) 

The poles are all cut down ! 
{iu despair) What shall I do? 

{to Bathers) 
Come, girls, into the water's liquid blue ! 

{Music. Bathers and Dodo exeunt L. U. E.) 

{taking stage like " Old Bowery " villain. 
Let me but gain the Duchess gold and hand ! 
Let me but lead a genuine Mormon band ! 
The world is mine ! I'll play you such a tune ! 
I'll — ! No ! I won't ! I will — ! Good afternoon 
Abbe exits L. U. E. with melodramatic strides) 



47 



Suzanne {sighing) 

Forsaken and alone ! Ah, these sad tears. 
As debutante I've been out seven years. 
And now this season's over ! My heart's spent ! 
List to my woes ! The summer girl's lament ! 

Song. 

Suzanne. 

I. 

Suzanne. 
O where have fled the happy golden hours ? 
Where fades, of summer rose, the crimson blush ? 
The perfume sweet of dainty tinted flowers ; 
Where echoes now the song of mottled thrush ? 
The whisper of the breeze amid the clover ! 
The babbling of the brooklet to the shore : 
The shadowy clouds that chase the hillside over ; 
Ah, me ! Ah, me ! 
Can they have vanished to return no more ? 

II. 
O where the cigarette of youthful smoker ? 
And where the gentle dude with baggy pants ? 
The ' ' Wall Street " clerk — can he be a dead broker? 
Where is the babe that the piazza haunts ? 
The Jew with checks upon his suit to count on ! 
Cheap novels all in yellow paper bound ! 
Quite empty is the soda-water fountain 
Ah, me ! Ah, me ! 
And caramels are fifty cents a pound ! 

Ysabel {entering L during last verse of song) 
Where have I seen that voice ? 
Suzanne, {starting at seeing Ysabel) That manly brow ! 



48 



Ysabel 

Suzanne. 

Both 
Suzanne 

Ysabel 
Suzanne 
Ysabel 

Suzanne 

Ysabel 



Suzanne 
Ysabel 
Suzanne 

Ysabel 
Suzanne 

Abbe 
Ysabel 



Suzanne ! 

Ysabel (Then run to each others arms 
burst into tears') O were better now 



then 



How came you here ? 

I walked ! 



(in surprise) 



Not way from France 



I rode upon the wave with emigrants 1 
{inquiring) 
And Don Jose ? 

Still in the " Bastile " grim. 
He's got six months to serve ! They parted him 
From me ! To earn my living I resorted, 
And by the "Eden Musee" was imported 
As "Spanish dancer ! " 

Wondrous, I declare ! 
Youv'e run down to the "Branch " for change of air! 
{offers cigarettes to Suzanne) 
Exactly ! Have a cigarette ! 
(titters like schoolgirl) How bad ! 

Thanks ! This must be the latest social fad ! 
(Suzanne and Ysabel light and puff cigarettes simulta- 
neously. ) 



Let's gossip ! 
Yes! 



They say- 



Alack ! Alack ! 



Here comes that wicked Mormon Abbe back. 

(Music. Bathers, Abbe and Dodo enter L. U. E.) 

(sniffing the air) 

Methought I scented garlic I 

(in contempt) Hear the churl ! 



49 



Dodo 

Abbe 

Ysabel 
Abbe 

Ysabel 
Dodo 

Abbe 

Suzanne 

Abbe 
Dodo 

Abbe 



Garlicy ! Just gaze uponyon Spanish girl ! 
{with great surprise) 
Ysabel, here ! 

I wish some one would thrash yer ! 

You saucy thing ! I've a good mind to mash her ! 

How's little brother? 

(ruefully) In his dungeon cell! 

We sold him nicely ! 

I'm a heavy swell 
Upon the sea shore ! 

Wait 'til they get out, 
They'll settle up a score ! 
(loftily) Such threats I scout ! 

(gazing offL) 

What airy folks are those with smile so balmy ? 
(in excitement) 

My stars, girls ! Here comes the "Salvation Army" ! 
(Music. Enter Lafayette with big drum as Major- 
General in Salvation Army; and Don fose with cym- 
bals, as Salvation Army Girl.) 

Song and Chorus. 

Lafayette and Don Jose. 
I. 
Lafayette. 
With the big base drum, we are out on a bum. 
On the cymbals symbolically play ! 

Don fose. 
O we don't care a cent for the "Seventh Regiment," 
Or the Irish on "St. Patrick's Day " ! 



50 



Lafayette. 
Singing " Hold the Fort" with a dismal snort, 
Yelling hymns of thunder and of blood ! 

Lafayette and Don Jose. 
We convert the "Chinese" in " Mott Street," if you 
please, 
We'll redeem "New Jersey" from the mud! 

Chorus. 
Sinners come ! Whack at that drum ! 
For tribulation is no more ! 
Shout and sing the " Kingdom Come," 
They're members of "Salvation Army" corps. 

II. 
Lafayette. 
If just like me, you should wish to be. 
To my words of advice you'd better hark ! 

Don Jose. 
Go without any shirt, so to cultivate the dirt. 
You must dress like the statutes in the Park. 

Lafayette. 
For we will go higher in a "horse-car " of fire, 
There to play the "lyre " and " kazoo" ! 

Lafayette and Don Jose. 
Lest we may get a cramp, as the clouds are rather 
damp, 
Let us take along our "rubber boots " too ! 

Chorus 
Sinners come, &c, &c. 
Lafayette (shouting) 

Good morning ! Hallelujah ! 
Dodo {to Abbe) Very rude, he ! 

Abbe (to Dodo) 

Their antics make me think of "Punch and Judy." 



5i 



Lafayette {aside to Don Jose) 

They know us not ! 
Don Jose {aside to Lafayette) Ven underneath zere nose ! 
Ze Four Hundred would cut me in zese clothes ! 
Abbe {to Lafayette) 

What's your rank ! 
Lafayette I command hymn ! Singer of psalm, he ! 

I'm Major General in Salvation Army, 
My little sister there's a vivandiere. 
Don Jose 

Zat is I'm general porter of the beer ! 
Dodo {approaching Don Jose ) 
The freak's attractive! 
Don Jose {coyly) See me blush ! 

Lafayette {to Abbe fiercely) In fact 

We've tracked you ! 
Abbe {quietly) What's that? 

Lafayette {in mild tone) Nothing ! Have a tract! 

Dodo {gazing at Do n Jose) 

I like the lady's shape ! 
Don Jose {in anger) I'll give you fits ! 

You wax too free ! {hits Dodo with cymbals) 
Dodo {falling on stage) O ! She my fancy hits. 
Give us a kiss ! 
Lafayette {to Dodo) You'll only make her madder ! 
Dodo {with persistence) 
Ah, do ! 
Don Jose {slyly) You stop ! Well yes ! Go get a ladder ! 
Abbe {to Don Jose) 

Your kittenish ! 
Don Jose {with scorn) Your sermon's a te-deum ! 
Abbe {waspishly) 

The old cat should be in a "Dime M{ew)-seum ! 



52 



Lafayette 

By the "sea bright camp meetings " on the beach 
I'll hold. 
Abbe Hold on ! Good bye ! {about to leave) 

Lafayette You needn't preach ! 

'Tis no election polls ! 
Abbe {angrily) You I will kick ! 

Lafayette 

O save your soles, you heeler politic 
But hark ! {Jockeys' whips are heard off L) 
Abbe Of jockey's whips you hear the crack, 

Crack jockeys coming from the race track ! 
{Music. Jockeys enter L and gallop to front of stage) 

Chorus. 
Jockeys. 

I. 

The professional jockeys we, 

Every one of us cap a pie. 

When we sell any race, 

We can capture the place, 

With the usual probity. 

And we take a peculiar pride, 

In the " cattle " we have to ride. 

If we mount a "cow " 

There's the deuce of a row ; 

At the owner we "nags" beside. 

When ere we have a mind, 

The public we can blind. 

For the positive tip, 

By a touch of the whip, 

We can generally leave behind. 



53 



Dodo 
Lafayette 
Do?i Jose 

Abbe 



Dodo 

Abbe 



Lafayette 

Dodo 

All 

Abbe 



Duchess 



Lads ! Lads ! Lads ! 
In manner and dress we're cads ! 
To horsily talk and bow legged walk 
Are the latest society fads ! 

Good day, my lads ! {jockeys all salute) 

You've got an early start. 
Nothing like horse whipping to make boys smart. 

Reduce ze heavy weight by morning runs 
Zen you may ride a waiting race, my sons ! 

For losing flesh there's nothing like a canter, 
It beat all banting hollow ! 

Cease your banter, 
{seeing jockeys flirting with his wives) 
Here! Mary? Jane! Matilda! The whole boodle ! 
With those fast jockeys you must not canoodle ! 
{nudging Dodo) 
On Independence Day drinks should he free. 

Tho' 'tis no bar-gain ! Have a pull-on me ! 
{in joy) 
Hurrah ! 

Stop a " bit ! " Jockeys ! "Bridle "—cheers ! 
My wife prospective from the house appears (of peers) 
The Duchess of Monmouth Park ! 
Music/ Duchess enters R. to hunting horns and 
dances to front of stage. ) 
{sportively) Ware fox ! Halloo ! 
Tantivy Yoicks ! Gone away ! Tally ho ! 
I'm one of the "Hempstead" hunting set, you know 
At " Cedarhurst" I'm often to be found, 
Coursing jack rabbit with the swift grey-hound. 



5* 






Dodo ■ {in admiration) 

Of course ! {Abbe takes Duchess hand) 
Abbe {fondling her hand) Then you play bunny ! 
Duchess {pulling hand away) Get away ! 

Forbidden 'tis by " Bergh's S. P. C. A." 
Lafayette 

How coy she is ! 
Duchess {shows off habit) My habits very proper 
Abbe {measuring her waist with his arm) 

A tight squeeze ! 
Duchess (hits Abbe with her crop) Loose me ! 
Lafayette You have caught a cropper ! 

Dodo 

Well planted crop 
Don fos'e {to Dodo) Her rustic look belied her ! 

Duchess 

I'm pretty — mad ! 
Abbe {ruefully) What a cross-country rider ! 

Don Jose {in admiration) 

She can have me ! I like you vera much 

My sweet muchacha. ! 
Duchess What a scaramouch ! 

An animated rag bag ! 
Don fose Do not hurt 

My feelings ! This the " Jenness Miller " skirt ? 
Duchess {pacing off) 

My walking suits ? 
Abbe You have an angel's waddle! 

Lafayette 

Call it a five barred gait ! {gate) 
Duchess .{to Lafayette) O cease that twaddle, 

You funny little man ! 
Don fose Hear zat chit chat! 



55 



Duchess {to Lafayette) 

Might I remark, where did you get that hat ? 
Lafayette 

I borrowed it, from Paris ! 
Abbe That's quite clear ! 

Duchess 

I'll sing if you to hear care, my career ! 

Song and Chorus. 
Duchess. 

I. 
Duchess. 

O my mother lived and slept and ate 

Within her hunting togs ! 

Was a ''fencer" and a "ditcher" of renown ! 

And my father very early went 

Completely to the "dogs." 

"Stacked" the "pack" and then was "hounded 

out of town. 

At the age of two the " brush " I won 

Upon my "hobby horse," 

And I drank my pap from out a "hunting horn." 

Night and day my parents chased the fox, 

And caught him too, of course, 

So no wonder " in the saddle " I was born. 

Chorus. 
My riding whip, I crack it ! 
" Lord & Taylor " made my jacket ! 
And my horse I always back it 
At the " Riding Club " resort. 
Of the fences I'm a topper, 



56 






Lafayette 

Don Jose 

Duchess 
Abbe 



Duchess 

Abbe 

Duchess 



Tho' I never caught a cropper, 
And I'm always highly proper. 
{cracks her whip) Hoop ! 
I'm very fond of sport ! 

II. 
I'm the "belle" of "Essex County " 
When I ride a "steeple" chase. 
The " Country Club " is jolly, don't you know ! 
With my "ponies " I can jump the "bar," 
And always "take a brace." 
Then at " Newport " I can beat 'em at " Polo." 

Why don't they have a hurdle race 
For girls at "Morris Park," 

When at "Cedarhurst" they run for pewter mugs ! 
As I've racing men "to back o" me (tobacco) 
I venture to remark, 

That the "horses" at "Tuxedo" all are "plugs." 
Chorus. 
My riding whip, &c, &c. 

{applauding) 

That song makes my heart pitty-Patti, go ! 

Its beats allay man (Lehman) 

{consciously) How can you say so ? 

{dropping on his knees) 

Unto my passion be compassionable. 

O let me be your bride groom ! 

You're unstable. 

Become my steenth wife ! 

Really I don't care 
To own one steenth of you and the rest share 
With other wives ! 



57 



Lafayette 

Duchess 

Abbe 
Dodo 

Duchess 

Lafayette 

Abbe 
Duchess 

Don Jose 

Lafayette 
Don Jose 

Lafayette 

Don Jose 

Dodo 



Abbe 



Ha ! Ha ! Her title Norman 
She wont consent to share with any Mormon. 

Not much ! 

{in rage) Perdition ! 

This day the race great 
Takes place for "Fourth of July " dinner plate 
At two precisely ! 

{suddenly) Hark ! An idea grand ! 
The winning jockey shall obtain my hand ! 
{Chord/ Immense astonishment on all sides) 
{laughing at Abbe) 
You're in a fix ! 
{coolly) O well, I'll fix it up ! 

I've stirred 'em up ! Now for a stirrup cup. 
Then hoop la for the hedges and ditches. 
{to Lafayette) 
Ze Duchess is a daisy ! 

She a witch is ! 
{aside) 

Zat Abbe mischief means ! 
{aside) We will him chouse ! 

Hide behind yon brown stone front bathing house. 
L {Lafayette and Don Jose hide in bathing house) 
Agreed {a New England dinner horn heard off. ) 

{gaily) The dinner bell ! Don't time consume ! 
I say, your grace ! Within there's lots of room ! 
{Dodo, Duchess and bathers exeunt in hotel R. U. E. 
leaving Abbe and Jockeys on stage.) 
{in deep soliloquy') 

Shall I, or shall I not ? That is the question ! 
Such mental strain gives me the indigestion. 



58 






All 
Abbe 

All 
Abbe 

Lafayette 

and 
Don Jose 

Abbe 
All 

Lafayette 

and 
Don Jose 

Abbe 



If I dress up in satin racing blouse 

With my parishioners I'll get in rows. 

And yet — why not ! There's " Dr. Rainsforth " wise 

An athlete in religious exercise ! 

Moreover racing men can pious be, 

For is not " Mr. Withers" a " D. D." 

That settles it ! I'll enter for this race 

And win the Duchess ! How to gain first place ? 

My lads ! {Jockeys salute with whips) 

Aye, sir ! 
{offers a cheque) Just pull your horses in ! 
Here is a check ! 
{turning away) A vaunt ! 

They scorn my tin ! 

{putting heads out of window on each side of the 



bathing house, with a mocking smile) 
Ha ! Ha ! {they disappear again) 
{to Jockeys) You need not laugh ! Such mirth restrain! 



We did not smile ! 

>- {same business as before) 

) O rats ! {they disappear again) 

{turning, but seeing nothing) Ha ! Foiled again ! 

Besides that Duchess too too must be won. 

A married man can't gain her affection. 

My wives I must get rid of — not by force ; 

Among the Mormons there is no divorce. 

Stay ! Why not lose them betting ? Why, of course ! 

You love my wives ? {turning to Jockeys) 



59 



All We do ! 

Abbe This race release ! 

I'll bet 'em you will win — a wife apiece ! 
Thus when you lose you'll gain them as your brides, 
And my eternal gratitude besides ! 
All 

We will consent ! 
Abbe I thought this scheme would fetch 'em ! 

All {dubiously} 

Our consciences ? 
Abbe On the home stretch just stretch 'em ! 

All {joyfully) 

We will ! 
Lafayette \ {same business as before) 

and y 

Don fose ) The villain ! {they disappear again) 

Abbe Thus the Duchess grand 

I'll win and take her to the Mormon land ! 



Song and Chorus. 
Abbe. 

I. 
Abbe. 
In "Utah Territory " I'm a Mormon of renown. 
As a missionary I convert the "Utes " ! 
Chorus. 
Ta Ra Rum ! 
Abbe. 
I took the place of " Brigham Young " as "Prophet" 
of the town, 

To the "lost tribe " lent a hand. 
I can give you absolution for most any kind of sins, 
But at Sunday evening concerts draw the line. 
Chorus. 
Ta Ra Rum ! 



60 



AbbS. 
I've wives of every nation, over forty pair of twins, 
In the pious Mormon land ! 
Chorus. 
Ta Ra Rum ! Ta Ra Rum ! 
At the Mormon eccentricities we yell. 
Ta Ra Rum ! 

Freaks are very funny and combinations queer, 
In the pious Mormon land ! 
II. 
Abbe. 
With the sanctimonious " Elders " I can always play 

the " deuce," 

For I carry all my " cards " within my sleeve. 

Chorus. 

Ta Ra Rum ! 

Abbe. 

To play a "game of draw" my " shooting iron ' 

comes in use. 
I can "bluff" with visage blank. 
On my children I've exhausted all the dictionary 

names, 

Their monthly bills for shoes would make you faint. 

Chorus. 

Ta Ra Rum ! 

AbbS. 

My fifty mother-in-laws are always up to all the 

games. 
In the pious Mormon land. 

Chorus. 
Ta Ra Rum, &c, &c. 

{At end of song Abbe retires into hotel R. U. E., and 
Jockeys dance off L. U. E. Then Lafayette and Don 



61 



Jose steal out of bathing house! At same time Suzanne 

and Ysabel come out of hotel R. U. E.) 
Lafayette {impressively} 

We have heard all ! 
Don Jose {in a rage) Zat Abbe I will thrash. 

Of anger I've eruption ! 
Lafayette Don't get rash ! 

Lafayette \ {they take two melodramatic strides and then pose 

and V 

Don Jose ) as Bowery villains.) 

Ha ! Ha ! One ! Two ! Revenge ! 
Suzanne {Orchestra gives a Wagner blare) That was a crash ! 
Lafayette {turning around at Suzanne's voice) 

It is? 
Don Jose It aint ? 

Lafayette \ 

and >- {impulsively') O don't you know us ? 
Don Jose ) 

Suzanne j 

and \ {quietly) Yes ! 

Ysabel ) 

Who are you ? 
Lafayette Ladies, you may three times guess. 

Suzanne {thinking) 

"Mr. and Mrs. Kendal." 
Lafayette No ! 

Ysabel I think 'em 

" General Boulanger " and " Lydia E. Pinkham." 
Don Jose {in disgust) 

We guess not ! 
Lafayette Take another mental tussle ! 

Suzanne {with conviction) 

"John L. Sullivan" and "Lillian Russell." 

62 



Lafayette \ 

and >• {chuckling in great glee) 

Don Jose ) 

We'll have to tell 'em ! 
Don Jose {grandly) I'm Don Jose prime ! 

Lafayette {with pride) 

I — Lafayette ! 
Suzanne \ 

and V We knew you all the time ! 

Ysabel ) 

{All four rush together and embrace in a heap, crying 

" Ah/" then <<0h/") 
Ysabel {anxiously) 

But where is Paul ? 
Suzanne Behind you left him not ! 

Lafayette 

Listen ! We three were freed by " sans culottes" 

Through breaches in the wall away we got : 

Sailed for New York ! 
Don Jose On steamer of French line. 

Passage ioo francs ! 
Lafayette Including wine ! 

On our arrival to find you we press ; 

Paul took the "Pennsylvania Express;" 

Went to the "Capitol" to get a pension. 

He'll soon be here. 
Suzanne 0, did I mention 

The races are to-day ! 
Don Jose I have a plan 

To take a vengeance on the Mormon man ; 

Make him lose Duchess, fortune, all his wives ! 
Lafayette {in despair) 

The race is his ! 'Tis useless ! He contrives 

To bribe the jockeys ! 

63 



Don Jose I'll give him remorse ! 

You enter for zis race on a dark horse 
Dressed as a jockey ! 
Lafayette {excitedly') Yes ! 

Don Jose And for his cheating 

Give the field and the Abbe a good beating. 
Win Duchess and ze chink ! 
Suzanne {with jealously') He must not take her. 
Lafayette {carelessly) 

I'll give her to the Don ! 
Don Jose I, as book maker 

Will scoop ze Abbe's boodlets ! 
Lafayette {mysteriously) Hush ! No more. 

Let's hasten to a Baxter clothing store ! 
{Music. Lafayette and Don Jose exeunt R cautiously) 
Suza?ine (gushingly) 

Dear boys ! How gay and sportive they can be ! 
Ysabel (gazing off L) 

A sailor man in the horizon see. 
(Music ! Paul enters L dancing a hornpipe) 
Paul (recognizing Ysabel and Suzanne) 

Shiver my timbers ! 
Ysabel Paul ! 

Suzanne (shaking him by hand) You're welcome here ! 
Paul 

"Washington's a boss town (Boston.) 
Ysabel My "Paul revere." 

The "Capitol." 
Paul I'll be your hubby I 

Ysabel Bliss ! 

Suzanne 

O take a brace ! (Paul puts arm about 
Paul Ysabel) I will ! How like you this ? 

64 



Ysabel 

Paul 
Ysabel 

Suzanne 
Paul 



Suzanne 

Paul 

Ysabel 
Suzanne 



Duchess 



Lafayette 



(in delight ) 

More ! (Paul puts both arms around her) 
What dost thou ? 

With my Hungarian dancing 
The chappies I've been mashing ! 

How entrancing ! 

For cutting pigeon wings her feet are ample. 
Just give us of your art a fancy sample ! 

Skirt Dance. 
Ysabel. 

(charmed) 
How elegant ! 

You're sure to be the rage. 
Among the senators ! 

Or on the stage ! 
(a horn is heard off R.) 

Hark ! The loud clang of hunting horn ! Let's scoot ! 
Here comes that horsey Duchess on a toot! 
Music. Suzanne, Ysabel and Paul exeunt into hotel 
R. U. E. as Duchess comes out R. dancing. ) 
(in silly fashion) 

My heart is in a flutter ! Hear it beat ! 
Poor little me ! I am in trouble sweet ! 
For fear that Abbe wins, I am a quaker. 
Here's a ' 'trades union jockey " — and "bookmaker." 

(Don Jose, as bookmaker galops in R. with Lafayette 
dressed as a jockey on his back. Duchess acts as ring 
master at circus. ) 

The Duchess ! 



65 



Don Jose 


Vat a prize ! 


Duchess 


You're looking pale 




What ails you ? 


Lafayette 


Nothing ! Save too much pale ale ! 


Duchess 






Try "Beecham Pills!" 


Don Jose 


With her I'm in for sport ! 




Peek-a-boo ! 


Duchess 


Well, he seems a jolly sort ! 




I see you ! 


Lafayette 


I go you one better then ! 


Don Jose 





In ' ' Dwy er Brothers' " favorite, pray confide ! 



How much "have you on"? 

Fie ! for shame ! These men 

Pshaw ! What's the odds ! 
Donjose (a la Darkey Tipster) Fifty to nothing, boss ! 

Back dat dark jockey on de whitewash horse ! 

He'll win for shuah, chile ? 
Duchess Then I'll be his bride ! 

Lafayette 

Duchess 

You'll ride for me ! 
Lafayette I will ! 

Donjose A chilly day 

For Dodo and his dear friend the Abbe. 
Duchess {Bell heard off L) 

The saddling bell ! 
Lafayette I must be making tracks ! 

Just back my horse to win ! 
Duchess I his horse backs ! 

Donjose 

Hold on ! We've got to sing before we go 

66 



Lafayette 

How do you know ? 
Don Jose The Author told me so ! 

Trio ! 

Lafayette, Duchess, Don Jose. 

I. 

Don Jose. 

You vants to bet your money, 

Beware of pious shams ! 

Entrust the boodle, sonny, 

To Moses Abrahams. 

If Favorite prove a winner ! 

I skip the tra la loo ! 

Of course you'll get your dollars back 

In " Ninety Two." 

Chorus. 
Then merrily trip it and dance away, 
A penny for the wise. 

The thoroughbred sinner is always a winner 
And generally gets the prize. 
Whatever the use of a peck of abuse, 
A fig for you ! Pooh ! Pooh ! 
Everything will be clear, in the popular year 
Eighteen Hundred and Ninety Two. 

II. 
Duchess. 
Tho I'm an English Duchess, 
A husband I must get. 
A million not too much is 
To pay for me, you bet. 



6 7 



If one man can't afford me, 
Why where's the harm in two. 
A syndicate may buy me up 
In "Ninety Two." 

Chorus. 
Then merrily trip it, &c, &c. 

III. 

Lafayette. 

I am the favorite jockey, 
At "Guttenberg" I ride; 
My reputation's stocky ; 

Of " Wall Street " I'm the pride. 
On me the festive "brokers " 
Their bottom dollars blew. 
I may get past the winning post 
In "Ninety Two." 

Chorus. 
Then merrily trip it, &c, &c, 

(At end of trio, Duchess exits R. Lafayette exits L. 
dancing, leaving Don Jose on stage alone. The Abbe 
enters at same time R. I. E. ) 

Abbe (seeing Don Jose ) 

Hello ! a book maker ! 
Don Jose (a la Jew book maker) Ikey ! How you vas ? 
Bizness ish gude ! 
Abbe You bet ? 

Don Jose In course I does ! 



Abbe 



I want to put up 15 thousand bills ! 
68 



Don Jose 

Abbe 

Don Jose 
Abbe 

Don Jose 

Abbe 

Don Jose 

Abbe 
Don Jose 



Dodo 



Suzanne 
Dodo 

Paul 

Dodo 



Paul 



{excitedly} 

Shelp me Isaacs ! He my old blood chills ! 
Two to one, bar one ! Winner name, and place ! 
Make your bets, shentleman ! I back the ace ! 

You take me ? 

Where's the mun ? 
{producing bag oj gold) Here is the stake ! 
I back myself to win ! 

{aside, removing false nose) His gold I'll rake ! 
Its a dead sure thing ! {puts nose on again) 
{aside) I will pull his rocks. 

That Hebrew chappie will " perdez son socks." 
{aside) 

Ha ! Ha ! Ze Abbe's fortune I will scoop ; 
The family vendetta zus recoup ! 

The racing bell ! I'm off! 

{Abbe exits L hurridly) Now for ze fun ! 

The "Monmouth Park" handicap has just begun ! 

{Music. Dodo, Suzanne, Paul, Ysabel, and Duchess 

enter from hotel R. Bathers also enter R and take 

back of stage.) 

{with huge race glass) 

From here we get a capital good view. 

Who's that ? {seeing Paul) 

Paul Jones ! 
{affably) Young fellow, how de do ! 

{with hauteur) 
I'm "Secretary of the Navy." 

So I notice ! 
Don't be too proud ! For my election note is 
Worth— fifty dollars ! 

I don't care, my hearty ! 



6 9 



Dodo 
Don Jose 

Suzanne 

All 

Dodo 
Don Jose 

Duchess 

All 

Duchess 
Dodo 



Lajayette 
All 

Abbe 
Lajayette 

Abbe 

Don Jose 
Abbe 



(with conviction) 

Then you'll get left, you and the "grand old party."' 

a la Racing Tout) 

Valk up ! Valk up ! The horses I vill voice, 

You pays your money and you takes your choice ! 

The flag has dropped, Papa ! The field is off ! 
(in great excitement) 
Hurrah ! 

Don't make a noise ! 

And please don't cough, 
'Twill scare the quadrupeds ! 
(jumping up and down) O deary me, 
I'm just as nervous as I well can be ! 

Hurrah ! Hurrah ! 

Who's won my coronet ? 
(in a shriek oj triumph) 
He comes ! 

(Music. Lajayette and the Abbe gallop in on stage 
horses. They finish the race on the stage ! The Abbe 
is about to beat Lajayette, when Don Jose seizes his 
horses tail and pulls him back, thus enabling Lajayette 
to win ! Immense applause. ) 
(poses grandly) Tis I. The Marquis Lafayette. 
(Tableau ! Jockeys rush in on L) 
(waving handkerchiejs) 
Hurrah ! 

Hold on there ! This no "County Fair." 



Waterlooed ! 

Take care ! 



You're Shenandoahed ! 

(angrily) 

I claim a foul ! 

Not so ! 
(fiercely) Who are you, nosey ? 



70 



Don Jose {removing false nose and whiskers) 

I'm the bookmaker — alias Don Jose ! 
Abbe {melodramatically) 

I an undone! 
Duchess This race was not a tie I 

You're a dead beat ! 
Don Jose Zen better go and die! 

Lafayette {to Abbe) 

I've beaten you ! 
Abbe (sadly) Don't I look black and blue ! 

You've done me out ! 
Duchess (to Abbe) To me best say adieu! 

Lafayette (clearly) 

With every jockey a wife each you bet 

That he would win ! Thus bribed, they lost to get 

The girls they loved, leaving to you first place ! 

You planned to gain the Duchess and the race, 

Now you have lost both Duchess, wives and gold ! 

Don't you feel cheap ! 
Abbe (overwhelmed) 'Tis seldom I am sold ! 

Lafayette 

I have the right to marry, if I choose, 

The Duchess ! 
Suzanne (anxiously) Woe is me ! Then must I lose 

Your love ? 
Lafayette (firmly) Never ! 

Abbe (with malice) Ha ! Ha ! She's married still 

To Paul or to the Don ! 
Don Jose You make me ill ! 

All (in sorrow) 

Alas! 
Paul (gayly) Cheer up ! This Abbe still we thwart ! 

Let's get divorced in "U. S. Supreme Court ! " 



71 



To "Washington" I here invite you all 

For the " Inaugural Ball." 
Abbe {in despair) I'd like to bawl ! 

Don Jose {with scorn) 
Cry-baby ! 
Abbe Pshaw ! Wife betting I endorse ! 

'Tis the only way to gain Mormon Divorce ! 
Yet I'm a ruined Abbe ! 
Lafayette {laughing) O how nice ! 

Virtue don't always triumph over Vice. 

Final Chorus. 

I. 

Happy day ! Haste away ! 

Every one be blithe and gay ! 

Celebrate ! Emulate ! 

Lafayette the fortunate ! 

Jeer the Abbe desolate ! 

Racer fleet, can't be beat, 

He has won the Duchess sweet ; 

Then let us laugh ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Our happiness is quite complete. 

For we will take the special train 

To Washington 

And in the Capitol reside. 

For the beauteous maidens twain, 

Why surely one 

Will be the gallant Major Generals bride; 

So may the best of fortune 

Happy couple bless, 

We invitation give to all, 

To come and see the Mormons 



72 



Don a ballet dress, 
All at the great Inauguration Ball, 
Then let festivities be soon begun ; 
And haste away to go to Washington ! 

{Jockeys and Mormoness Bathers alternate in a semi- 
circle about back of stage. Abbe is overwhelmed with 
despair. Lafayette gallops triumphantly away with 
Suzanne and the Duchess ! Paul and Ysabel embrace ! 
Don fose and Dodo jeer at each other! Jockeys and 
Bathers gallop off in couples as curtain falls / 

END OF ACT II. 



73 



ACT III. 
The Ball-Room in the Capitol at Washington. 

(A blue, white and gold room, with arched entrance L and R. 
Walls are hung with American flags, red, white and blue bunting 
and shields with the arms of the U7iited States. As curtain rises a 
group of Uncle Sams are discovered/ They come forward and 
sing. 

Opening Chorus. 
Uncle Sams. 
I. 
Each one an Uncle Sam, 
To you we salaam. 

Our clothes and address please the gapers. 
With wood-cutting smile, 
And lithograph style, 
Our portraits have been in the comic papers. 

Chorus, 
Shadows are we, 
Folk legendary, 
Creatures of imaginations. 
From painted page, 
Of mystical age, 
We're fair Columbia's relations. 

II. 

Some centuries ago 

We were gallant beaux, 

Now by pretty maids we're forsaken ! 



74 



As for Max O'Rell, 
His book is a sell, 
He has brother Jonathan mistaken. 

Chorus. 
Shadows are we, etc., etc., 

(Dodo and Paul enter Z, Don Jose and Suzanne enter 
R at end of chorus. ) 

Dodo (with his fingers in his ears) 

I don't like encores when they sing "en chorus" 
Such Uncle Sams in " Puck or Judge" would bore us. 
Don Jose (admiring Uncle Sams) 

What figures for cigar-shops ! 
Paul Bother that ! 

Where did those chaps secure "Grandpapa's Hat?" 
Don Jose 

Zis ball " es muy buono " ! 
Dodo (puzzled) Eh ! Just so ! Very ! 

Suzanne 

'Twould not disgrace "Delmonico or Sherry." 
Paul 

Don, where'r your sister Ysabel ? 
Don Jose She, mister, 

Is donning her ball gown, so you can't assist her. 
Suzanne (anxiously) 

Papa, I've no young man for the cotillion 
Or supper ! 
Don Jose I wont miss that for a million ! 

Suzanne (boldly) 

Will there be fizz ? 
Do do (lecturing her) Your face pains me, my daughter ! 



75 



Suzanne {lightly) 

O, sham pain! 
Don Jose Is it make believe buzz-water j 3 

Dodo 

My " Private Club " brand use ! 
Paul (to Dodo) Are you a waiter? 

Dodo (in squeaking voice) 

O no ! I to the worthy White House cater ! 
Suzanne 

To see a ''Senator" my neck I "crane." 
Paul (looking off R) 

Here's Major-General Lafayette again ! 
(Music. Lafayette and Continentals enter R and 
march front. Then form a semi-circle at back of stage 
with Uncle Sams.) 
Lafayette (like a Parisien) 

' ' Bon soir ! " Ta Ta ! " Comment 9a va, mes amis. " 
Me spik leetle Angleesh ! Rosbif, Bouldogue ! 
Damme." 
Dodo 

Say, are you ill ? 
Lafayette Tis my affected way ! 

In America I'll "parley vous francais." 
Don Jose (in admiration) 

O what a pretty polly ! 
Suzanne (aesthetically) He's a duck ! 

Dodo 

And I havn't got a gun ! Its just my luck ! 
Paul (laughing at Lafayette's coat) 
My, shoot the coat. 
Don Jose 'Tis rather monumental. 

Suzanne 

Don't guy him ! 



76 



Lafayette {coolly) I don't care-a continental ! 

At Chatham Square I hung this coat up. 
Dodo {listening intently) Hark ! 

Duchess {outside) 

Tally ho ! 
Paul Behold her grace of Monmouth Park ! 

{Music. Duchess enters L dancing. She is in full 

ball dress. ) 
All {in great admiration) 

My! 
Don Jose At ze "New Year Ball " she would bewitch ! 
Duchess 

I made this frock myself — yes, every stitch ! 
Dodo {examining frock) 

It's so so ! 
Lafayette Yes ! Vour etes une la-la 1 

Duchess {coquetlishly) Fie ! 

Isn't he lovely ! 
Don fos'e {in disgust) Love is in his eye ! 
Duchess (showing off her gown) 

This stuff came not from the " Elysee Champs " 

I bought it at "Wanamakers" — with my own stamps. 
Don fose (sourly) 

It isn't worth two cents ! 
Lafayette You senseless crank, 

A Paris francs are used ! 
Don fose (glaring at Lafayette) He is too frank ! 
Duchess {holding up shoes) 

Look at my shoelets ! 
Lafayette (in delight) Charmant, I declare ! 

Dodo (disdainfully) 

Pretty ? O pshaw ! Chicago's got the Fair ! 



77 



Paul {coming forward) 

I have bad news ! The Supreme Court, perforce, 
Cannot Suzanne from Don or me divorce 
Until they know which one she's wed ! 

Suzanne {tearfully) I feel 

My case is hard. 

Don Jose Zen zere is no appeal ? 

Lafayette {with sudden start) 
J'ai une idee ! 
All What? 

Lafayette Shortly you shall know 

My proposition ! It is apropos ! 
Dodo {with dignity) 

Good folks, the supper door — don't hurry pray, 
Will open — in three hours ! So haste away ! 

{Music. Dodo, Paul with one-half of Contineutals and 
Uncle Sams exeunt L. Suzanne and Don Jose with 
the rest of Uncle Sams and Continentals exeunt R.) 

Lafayette {mysteriously) 

"Noussommes" alone! 
Duchess Your words I have observed ! 

Embrace me ! 
Lafayette {startled ) ' ' Mais, " such 
Duchess {affectionately) 

Support me ! 
Lafayette {aside) For a supper me she braces ! 
Duchess {coyly) 

Don't drive me to despair ! I'll kick the traces ! 

You've won — my heart ! 
Lafayette "Pour moi," she's one too much ! 

Off! I adore "une autre ! " 
Duchess {in rage) Then don't me touch ! 



chic." 
I'm not reserved ! 



7 8 



Lafayette 

dam the luck ! 

Duchess Now don't be a cross-patch I 

Lafayette 

" Vous me fatiguez ! " 
Duchess {about to scratch his face) I'll come to the scratch ! 
Lafayette 

1 give you back your freedom ! 
Duchess You're too free! 

I'd be locked up for life with you, Marquis ! 
Lafayette {in coaxing tone) 

let me off! " Tai sez-vous ! " 

Duchess {severely) Eh ! No such thing ! 

You start and buy the diamond wedding ring ! 
Lafayette {pausing) 

Say ! 
Duchess ' ' Quesque ce " ? 

Lafayette Exactly! "Dites done " ! Know 

I've made a "faux pas " 
Duchess That's not "comme \\ faut" ' 

Lafayette 

"Tumble-ez-vous " ? 
Duchess {puzzled) " What are you driving at? 

Lafayette {snapping his fingers at Duchess 

1 rode the race — "mais pour vous" don't care that 
J' etais trompe " ! 

Duchess {in despair) My heart is not his trumps ! 

O anguish ! Serpent ! 
Lafayette {aside) "Elle me donne " the mumps ! 

Duchess 

And you contagious to me ! 
Lafayette Never fear ! 

"N'ayez pas peur petite ! " 



79 



Duchess {weeping loudly) You see my tear ! 

What's to be done ! 
Lafayette {after pondering) (i Mademoiselle " in France 

When e'er in doubt, better " chanter une " dance. 

Duet. 

Lafayette and Duchess. 

I. 

Duchess. 
When e'er you are in trouble, 
Or you bear a burden double, 

With a care as black as night without a dawning ! 
Then indulge in any folly, 
Pay a fortune to be jolly, 
And don't go home 'til early in the morning ! 

Chorus. 
If rich you'd be becoming, 
With the early bird be chumming ! 
Don't shut your eyes and ears to timely warning ! 
If your business needs attention, 
Pray excuse it, if we mention, 
That you must get up quite early in the morning ! 

II. 

Lafayette. 
O it must be very pleasant 
To be born an humble peasant, 
And with an oaken sickle go a-corning ! 
While the chestnuts they are springing, 
And the piggy-wigs are singing 
With the rooster, hens a crowing in the morning ! 
Chorus. 
If rich you'd be, &c, &c. 



80 



III. 

Duchess. 
When a girl I was a daisy, 
Drove the chappies nearly crazy 
Yet their valentines and boquets I'd be scorning ! 
For who sought my hand to marry, 
Be it Tommy, Dick or Harry, 
Tried to serenade me early in the morning ! 
Chorus. 
If rich you'd be, &c, &c. 

Lafayette. 
When a lad in knickerbockers, 
I was death upon "the coppers," 
In our block I was a terror and a warning ! 
With the cats I'd raise the dickens, 
Went to bed with all the chickens, 
Tho I never got up early in the morning ! 
Chorus. 
If rich you'd be, &c, &c. 



Don Jose {entering R at end of dance) 

While you're secheying, polking and quadrilling 
With fizz and tutti-frutti I've been filling ? 



Lafayette 

Don Jose 
Duchess 



Don Jose 
Duchess 



' ' Wie gates " 1 ' ' Se habla espagnol ! " 
(modestly) O not much ! 

That cutting chap is sharp enough at Dutch ! 
O you ! (flirtatiously) 

Ze giddy thing ! I'm in a whirl ! 
(aside to Lafayette) 
I'll set my cap at the Havana earl ! 



81 



Lafayette {aside to Duchess) 

He's just the chap O ! (chapeau) 

{to Duchess') Picture my affection ! 



Don Jose 
Duchess 

Don Jose 

Duchess 

Don Jose 

Lafayette 



Don Jose 
Duchess 

Don Jose 

Duchess 
Lafayette 

Don Jose 

and 
Duchess 

Lafayette 



You're chromo from the Duke Dourcal's collection ! 

(piteously) 

Give me a show ! 

Yes, a show-case apart, 
In "Metropolitan Museum of Art." 
{to Lafayette) 
How can I gain her ! 

" Ecoutez " my plan. 
Accept the proxy marriage with Suzanne ! 
Become her spouse ! Thus Paul, set free by you, 
Can marry Ysabella p. d. q. 
And I will make the Duchess then my bride ! 
{with emphasis) 

But /want Mrs. Monmouth Park ! 
{shyly, hanging her head) Beside 

You'll lose Suzanne if tied to me, 
And then — Don Jose's wife I'd rather be. 
{with joyful caper) 

O joy ! {Don Jose kisses the Duchess) 
{faintly) I'll tell Mama ! 
{solemnly) My words obey ! 

All will be right ! To minister " allez " ! 



We trust in you ! 

{gazing off R) "Eh bien ! " O what a bore, 

" Void," the C. C. D. C. ballet corps. 



82 



(Lafayette, Duchess and Don Jose exeunt R. Ballet 
enter one-half L, one-half R.) 

Grand Ballet Divertissement. 

I. 

Aragonaise and Valse Lente. 

Corps de Ballet. 

II. 

Par Seul by Premiere Danseuse. 

III. 

Tarantelle. 

Corps de Ballet. 

(Ballet exeunt one-half R, one-half L. At end of 
Ballet Dodo, Paul, Ysabel and one-half of Uncle Sams 
and Continentals enter L. Lafayette, Don Jose, 
Suzanne, Duchess and remaining Uncle Sams' and 
Continentals enter R. The Uncle Sams and Conti- 
nentals alternate in semi-circle at back of stage.) 

Dodo (much tickled at ballet) 

That Ballet has expression in their feet, 
Those walking sticks of candy are too sweet. 



Lafayette 



Don Jose 



They're fair Columbias from Barnard College, 
This is the way that they imbibe their knowledge. 



Is zat a school of hearts (arts ?) 
Paul From all the signs 

Those young things are in school of "Baby Mines. 



83 






Duchess 

Lafayette 



Abbe 
Dodo 



{gazing off L) 

But who is this that comes so late ? 

Tis he ! 
"Void " the Abbe ! Voir ! See ! 
{Music. Abbe enters L like a highly polished villain) 
{posing) J ah ! Oui ! Oui ! 



How came you here ! 
Abbe A ticket I acquired ! 

Paul {growing angry) 

My anger you'll inflame ! I'll have you fired ! 
Abbe {with cool deliberation) 

Beware ! I'm Senator from "Salt Lake City," 
A member of the ' 'Aqueduct Committee," 
I'll make you dance ! Play ball ! 
Lafayette {all take ball attitudes) This chap devout 

I'll hit ! {Lafayette hits at imaginary ball and hits Abbe) 
Abbe {a?igrily) One strike, young man ! I'll call you out ! 
Suzanne {stamping her foot) 

You bold, bad, nasty man ! 
Duchess He is a prize, 

That head of his 's a skating-rink for flies ! 
Lafayette {with emphasis) 

" Jai une" piece of news to tell you all ! 
Lafayette 
Don fose 

Paul 

Suzanne 

Ysabel 

Duchess 

All {with immense astonishment) What? 

Abbe {incredulously) Just hear that Gaul ! 

Paul {taking Ysabel' s hand) 
I've wed my Ysabel ! 
Ysabel And I have Paul. 



We six are married ! {they dance a break !) 



84 



Don Jose {taking Suzanne's hand) 

Suzanne is mine ! 
Suzanne Just for convenience sake ! 

La/ay eite {taking Dodo's hand ) 

I have the Duchess ! 
Duchess Yes ! 

Abbe {dreamily) Am I awake ! 

Pinch me ! Suzanne you've lost ! 
Lafayette " Non ! " I arrange 

A kind of matrimonial exchange, 

" Je donne" the Don the Duchess, in turn get 

Suzanne ! 
Don Jose Zat contracts good ! 

Dodo {pointedly to Abbe) Hang out " to let " 

Upon that flat ! 
Abbe {in desperation) To swear I am inclined ! 
Suzanne {timidly) 

O hush ! {All put finger in ears) 
Duchess Now we're prepared ! 

Abbe {quietly) I've changed my mind ! 

Duchess {annoyed) 

How disappointing ! 
Dodo {to Lafayette) Bless ye, my children ! I 

Have got no tears to waste ! I'm rather dry ! 
Don Jose {to Duchess) 

My "querida" I'll buy a saw-horse steed 

And hunt with you the foxy aniseed ! 
Duchess 

Stop sending bouquets to Carmencita ! 

As Spanish dancer, I've a mind to beat her ! 

How's that ! Hoop la ! 
Abbe {magnanimously) I think I'll have to crawl ! 

A villain I — but I forgive you all ! 



85 



Suzanne {modestly to audience) 

We're going to housekeeping at "Union Square" 
Call any day ! You're sure to find us there. 

Lafayette {kissing his hand in French fashion) 

1 ' Mes amis, " now ' ' ' adieu " ! Pray don't forget 
The maiden and yours truly, Lafayette ! 

Final Chorus. 

I. 

Now farewell to all we bid, 

We thank you much for coming here. 

Lenient be to Lafayette, 

Yclept "the Maiden and the Marquis.'' 

Now farewell to all we bid, 

We thank you much for coming here. 

Lafayette ! Lafayette ! 

Merry Maiden ! Gallant Marquis ! 

Chorus. 
Tra la la la la, &c, &c. 

{Continentals and Uncle Sams R and L. Ballet dance 
in R. C. and L. C. Then Lafayette and Suzanne 'pose 
as bridal couple C, Lafayette like statute in Union 
Square! Abbe R. C, Duchess R. } Don fose R. F, 
Fsabel L. C, Paul Z., Dodo L. F. All dance back- 
ward and forward, singing chorus, and curtain falls 
on a revel of joy. ) 

(end. ) 



86 






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